Innocuous Innuendo
by crematosis
Summary: Steve has been reading some pornographic stories. And now he can't stop giggling. Somehow Tony's going to get blamed for this.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Another Avengerkink prompt (I love prompts. So much fun. So many things I'd never think of, but here we are) And I really enjoy the silly, juvenile humor. Ah, poor, poor Steve. I love to pick on him.

Disclaimer: So, I may possibly be borrowing bits from other fanfictions. Not purposefully stealing them, but kind of using them as a vague inspiration for what Steve finds. My apologies.

Tony had known it was going to be a weird day the moment he woke up. He didn't usually do mornings, but here he was, awake and alert before the sunrise.

He ambled down to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Clint was at the counter, pouring himself a bowl of cereal and Steve was tucked into the chair at the end of the table, deeply engrossed in some boring-looking book.

"You're up early," Clint said.

"You're a very lucky man," Tony said. "Today, I have decided to grace you disgusting morning people with my presence."

Clint snorted and reached into the fridge for the milk.

Tony eyed the breakfast foods set out on the counter. Clint's cereal looked like cardboard, the protein bars looked even worse, and he probably shouldn't touch the Poptarts if he wanted to live. But, hey, there was a banana in the fruit bowl.

"Hey, don't touch that," Clint said, without turning from the fridge. "That's my banana."

Steve let out a bark of laughter and both Clint and Tony turned to stare at him.

"Sorry," Steve said. "I'm sorry. I know it's not funny, it's just…I'm sorry." He pulled his book up in front of his face.

Clint and Tony exchanged a glance. Clint just shrugged.

"So, where were we?" Tony said.

"You were touching my banana."

Steve burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggling.

Clint sighed. "Okay, what the hell did you do to Steve?"

"Me?" Tony protested. "Why are you blaming me? It's not even my fault."

"It's always your fault, somehow." Clint snatched the banana back and began slicing it onto his cereal.

"Rude," Tony said. "How was I supposed to know? You didn't write your name on it or anything."

"If you woke up earlier, you would know I eat a banana every morning," Clint said.

"Oh god, oh god," Steve said, the giggles intensifying.

"That's it," Tony said. "What the hell are you reading, Cap? Some kind of joke book? Because I know you can't be laughing at me."

Steve coughed and looked away. "It's nothing, Tony. I'm sorry."

But Tony knew evasion when he saw it. Steve was hiding something and if there was one thing Tony loved more than teasing Clint, it was getting up in Steve's business.

He settled into the seat across from Steve. "Come on, Cap. What are you looking at? Wardrobe malfunctions? Those statues with really big dicks?"

Steve made a choking sound. "No, Tony."

"C'mon, let me see." Tony tipped the book towards him. No pictures. So disappointing.

Steve yanked the book closer. "Go away, Tony. I'm trying to read."

But Tony had seen something shiny and metallic behind the book and his hand darted out, snatching up Steve's tablet. "Oh ho ho," he crowed triumphantly. "Our favorite fossil has a thing for tech after all. I'm so proud."

"Tony, no," Steve protested. "Give it back."

Tony darted out of his reach. "Have you discovered the wonders of porn yet? I bet you've been into-"Tony's eyes skimmed over the screen. "Holy fuck," he said. This was not what he had expected. Not at all.

Steve's face flushed a bright red. "Can I have my tablet back now?" he said in a small voice.

"What?" Clint asked eagerly. "What's he been reading?"

"Apparently, something about Harry Potter's banana hammock."

"What the fuck?"

Steve whimpered. "I didn't mean to," he said. "But everyone was telling me I should get the books on e-reader so I brought up a website and...and…"

"And you stumbled into the fan fiction porn versions."

Steve nodded. "Unfortunately."

Tony clapped him on the back. "I question your taste in porn, but at least you've found something. Progress, my good man, progress. I'll introduce you to the good stuff later."

Steve groaned and dropped his head onto the table.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So sorry. I've been on vacation and I forgot that I have story chapters that needed uploading. It should all go up faster from now on.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own dirty, dirty mind. Giggling over silly things is fun.

Three days later, Tony was in the middle of kicking Clint's ass at Mortal Kombat when Natasha stepped in front of the screen. He hissed and leaned to the side, trying to see around her. "Kind of in the middle of something, Tasha. Come back later."

"Tony, we need you to pick up a few things from the store."

"That's Steve's job," Tony said. "I provide the money, he does the shopping. And by provide, I mean he can talk to Jarvis anytime to top up his account so I don't have to be bothered in the middle of a flawless victory."

"You wish, Stark," Clint muttered, savagely mashing buttons on his controller.

"Sorry, boys. You can settle this later."

Both Clint and Tony groaned as the TV suddenly went dark.

Natasha put her hands on her hips. "You two want to eat, don't you? We need something for dinner. All we have left in the pantry is pasta and breakfast foods."

"Steve is our designated-"

"Not anymore," she said firmly. "He's forfeited that job."

Tony stared at her. "Uh, why?"

She sighed and began ticking items off on her fingers. "He laughs at bananas, cucumbers, pickles, carrots, hot dogs, bone-in steaks, whipped cream, chocolate bars-"

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Chocolate bars?"

She thrust Steve's tablet at him. "This is the last thing Steve read."

Tony did a quick once-over. There were giant blocks of text that he really didn't feel like reading. But one sentence halfway down almost leaped off the screen.

_Garcian unbuckled his belt. "Don't be afraid, Samantha. Chocolate goes down real smooth."_

"Holy shit," Tony said.

"For what it's worth, it looks like he stopped reading right there. But it's in his brain now."

Tony skimmed down a few more lines. "Oh my god," he said. "I have to show this to Rhodey."

Natasha snatched the tablet back. "No, you are not showing this to anybody else. We want to preserve what remains of Steve's dignity until this all blows over."

"Ha," Tony said. "Blows."

Natasha gave him a withering look.

"Okay, okay," Tony said. "I'll go tonight, since you asked so nicely. But Steve's taking over tomorrow."

Natasha shook her head. "I'm not letting him back into a grocery store for another month."

"It's that bad, huh?"

"You weren't here yesterday when I got a frantic phone call from a grocery clerk, convinced that Captain America was having a seizure in their produce department. When I got there, he was laughing so hard he couldn't even talk."

"Wow," Tony said. "That is bad."

"So," Natasha said. "This may be the only time I ever say this, but I trust you to be more mature in public than Steve right now."

"Hell yes," Tony said. He high-fived Clint. More mature than Captain America. This was something worth celebrating.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: And another kind of laggy update. I am really bad at keeping track of things. It's all written and ready to go and I just keep forgetting to upload. Sorry, guys!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own gutter-bound imagination. Poor Steve.

Tony wandered into the kitchen a little after noon and was startled to see everyone sitting around the kitchen table. This was a bad sign. Everyone tended to come and go when they felt like it and if everyone was sitting around waiting-

He froze. "What's going on here? This isn't an intervention is it?" He snapped his fingers. "Oh wait, it's the team meeting thing. Oh. That was…that was today. Oops."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "We specifically picked Saturday because you don't have to work. So, no excuse."

"Well, I do have an excuse. Several excuses, actually."

Steve sighed. "I don't care why you were late. Just make yourself a sandwich and sit down."

"Fine, that's fine. Sandwiches are great. I love sandwiches." Tony rummaged around in the fridge. "So, where's the salami? I just bought a thing yesterday. It can't be gone already." He fixed the rest of the group with a stern look. "Okay, who decided to hide my salami?"

Steve did a spit-take of his Coke and doubled over laughing. "Oh, god. I can't. I just can't." He waved a hand awkwardly. "I can't even breathe. Oh god."

Bruce patted him on the back as Steve began coughing and making small choking noises. "Deep breaths, Steve. Deep breaths. Steady."

"Wow," Tony said. "That is not something you see every day."

He looked around the table for confirmation, but everyone except Natasha was looking at Steve with concern.

Natasha drummed her fingers against the table and fixed Tony with a look that was positively murderous. Her hair was wet and there were little droplets of Coke on her cheek.

Tony winced. "I did not mean for that to happen."

She jerked her head towards the den. "Stark. With me. Now."

Tony swallowed hard and followed her into the den. Being alone with Natasha was always dangerous. Doubly so now that she was pissed at him. And he really didn't want to be killed over a slice of salami. That was just pathetic.

He cleared his throat. "So, I am absolutely sorry about your hair. And I will of course pay for anything you need to do to fix it."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "You two are dating, aren't you?"

"Steve and I? Well, yes. Technically. I don't see how that's relevant."

"How often do you two have sex?"

"Uhh, never?"

"Never," she repeated, her eyes hard.

Tony put his hands out defensively. "Hey, it wasn't my idea. You know my reputation. Sex, sex, sex. But Steve said he wasn't ready. Things were different back in his day, you know? You didn't just rush into these things."

"Well, I think he's ready now," she said dryly. "He's been thinking about it all week. So get him laid and spare the rest of us from the sexual tension."

"Sex isn't a magical cure for immaturity. Look at me. I've had a ton of sex and well, I'm still me."

"Just humor me," she said. "Try it."

He shrugged. It couldn't hurt.

When he got back to the kitchen, Steve was alone, scrubbing soda off the table. "I'm sorry, Tony," he said, shoulders slumped. "I kind of ruined our team bonding day."

"There'll be other days," Tony said. "But right now, you and I need to do some bonding. I've been a terrible boyfriend, leaving you all alone to navigate the wide world of porn all by yourself." He threw an arm around Steve's shoulders. "I'm going to give you the benefit of my expertise."

"No, that's okay," Steve said quickly. "I shouldn't be reading any more-"

"Oh, absolutely. No more terrible fan fictions. You need the real thing."

Steve's eyes widened and he looked around furtively. "Here? Right now?" he asked in a whisper.

"No, no, no. Of course not. Up the stairs, third door on the right. Come on, let's go." He shoved Steve in the direction of the stairway.

Considering how twitchy Steve was, Tony settled for a quick blowjob. It wasn't how he envisioned their first time, but he would make it up to Steve later. At least Steve seemed to have enjoyed himself. Tony wasn't a sex god, by any means, but bless Steve for saying so.

He looked at Steve contemplatively. "Banana, pickle, hot dog buns."

Steve just smiled hazily and patted his head. "Whatever you want, Tony. I'm sorry you didn't get a sandwich."

"I'll be damned," Tony said. "You're cured."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: And this covers the motorcycle bonus the OP prompted. Oh, how much glorious fun.

Disclaimer: We all know the drill by now, right? We all know I'd much rather be making money than posting free fics if I owned anything worth anything.

It was an important press conference, which meant it was also very boring. All the reporters were asking deep, meaningful political questions, the kind that Tony wouldn't be allowed to answer. So he just sat there and tried not to be too obvious as he fiddled with his phone.

A young man raised a hand. "I have a question for Captain Rogers."

Oh, yes. Another question for Cap. How did Cap feel about today's military presence? Was he qualified for a leadership position in the modern day? What did he have to say in the wake of SHIELD's dissolution? Ugh.

He sent a quick text to Barton. "_Dying of boredom. Send help."_

Clint's phone didn't even vibrate. Damn bastard. There went his fun.

"Captain Rogers," the young man said. "First of all, may I say what an honor it is to be addressing you here today? I'm a big fan."

Tony rolled his eyes. This would be another one of those ass-kissing questions about how Steve felt having the praise and adoration of millions. Funny, nobody was asking Tony how it felt to be adored by Captain America. And nobody was praising him for his noble effort in saving Steve from his own dirty mind. If the press conference dragged on any longer, Tony might have to start bringing these things up. Give the press something to really talk about.

"I just question if it sets a bad example for children to see you riding your motorcycle without any protection. New York helmet laws-"

Steve's laughter drowned out the rest of the question. The young man trailed off, looking confused and uncomfortable.

Natasha groaned and put her head in her hands.

"I'm sorry," Steve squeaked out. "It's a-it's a great question. I just-oh god, give me a minute." He pressed the back of his hand against his mouth.

Tony grabbed his microphone. "It's not you, it's him. Trust me, kid. Steve is real big on everyone using protection."

Steve made a choked sound and Tony cast him a sidelong glance. Jesus. Steve looked like a tomato. They needed to get him out of here fast.

"Cap's just having a personal problem. He was hit by some kind of magical ray last week. Makes him start laughing like a kid every time we talk about kids. Fitting, right?" He glanced at Steve. "And Cap's trying so hard to resist. So, so hard."

Steve snorted into his fist.

Tony smiled. "But supersoldier or not, he's only human. Any further questions?"

No further questions, thank god. A couple reporters were furiously scribbling in their notebooks, probably negative pieces on them all. But whatever. They were free to go now. And Tony made a beeline out of the room as fast as he could go.

He didn't get far before Natasha rounded on him, her eyes flashing with rage. "Stark. What the hell was that?"

"Uh, saving our collective asses? A little thank you might be nice."

"You told me you had sex with him. You told me he was cured."

"I did. And I thought it worked. But apparently not. I'm sorry, okay? I tried and it failed. What more do you want from me?"

"Try harder," she hissed. "We need him to stay professional."

"It would probably help if you stopped talking like that."

She glared at him and muttered something in Russian. Probably "dirty pervert" if Tony was lucky.

"I'll have Jarvis revoke Cap's internet privileges," Tony said. "He doesn't find any new stories, eventually he forgets and we can all get back to normal."

"Normal," she said with a disdainful snort. "Nothing with you is normal."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: So, I might have a bit of a soft spot for Thorki and even though it's not happening in this fic, I couldn't resist an oh so subtle reference.

Disclaimer: I might call my best friend my Loki, but still, Loki is Marvel stuff, not mine.

And then they were in the middle of a battle with Loki and Natasha's plan to kill Tony was thankfully forgotten.

It had been a long time since Loki had popped up and Tony had started to miss the crazy fucker. There were few bad guys who were as entertaining as Loki. Sure, Loki had managed to level half of the city. But at least he was an asshole after Tony's own heart.

Tony rolled to the side, easily dodging the blast of green fire. "Wow, you suck. Not so tough without your big stick, are you?"

Steve's laughter was loud enough to be heard without the comm. Oh, this was going to be good.

Loki's eyes flashed. "Insolence," he said. "I am a god. You should all be on your knees before me."

Steve howled.

"Even Thor?" Tony said, because he just couldn't resist.

"Especially Thor," Loki said. "My brother should learn to kneel before his betters."

Steve made tiny whimpering sounds and Clint's cackling came in loudly over the comm.

"You dare laugh at me?" Loki demanded. "Do you have a death wish?"

"Apologies, brother," Thor said. "Our Captain has been reading stories of a questionably sexual nature."

"And they make him laugh," Loki scoffed. "He must not be reading the right stories."

"That's what I said." Tony knew there was a reason Loki was his favorite villain.

"I could tell you a tale from our youth," Loki said in a low voice. "A story that will really get your blood boiling. And it's all true. Thor and I dared seven maidens-"

Thor's hammer connected solidly with Loki's chest and Loki went flying into the distance.

"Another time, brother," Thor called after him.

"Damn," Tony said. "That sounded like a good story."

Thor shook his head. "It is not as salacious as he would have you believe." He frowned. "If I recall, it ended up with one of the ladies falling into a mud puddle."

"Even better," Tony said. "Getting down and dirty."

"I am not that sort of man anymore." Thor eyed him critically. "And I do not believe you are either."

Tony shrugged. "Doesn't mean I don't like to hear about the exploits of my friends. Team bonding and all that. Right, Steve?"

Steve looked a little green. "I'd really rather not hear about everyone's sex lives."

"Except mine, of course," Tony said cheerfully. Yeah, he was hot stuff and Steve better know it.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: And the thrilling conclusion. Or more likely, gross/fluffy conclusion. Because I'm weird.

Disclaimer: That particular "gross" phrase that appears later was actually from a fanfiction I read. So, if you wrote it, so sorry that I borrowed it as an example of fanfiction for Steve.

"I have a plan," Tony said as everyone gathered for dinner that night.

Natasha rolled her eyes as she took her seat. "Oh, I can't wait to hear it."

"Your lack of confidence is astounding," Tony said. "It's my idea and all my ideas are good."

"Oh really? Whose idea was it to sneak up on me in the middle of a training exercise?"

Tony winced, remembering how it felt to be kicked in the face. "All my ideas involving Steve are good," he amended. He nudged Steve's foot under the table. "Right, Stevie? Dating you was the best idea I've ever had."

Steve smiled fondly and Clint made a gagging sound.

"You said you had a plan," Natasha said pointedly. "A plan for what to do with Steve?"

"I always have a plan for what to do with him. Don't I, baby?"

Steve groaned.

"Well, let's hear it. I'm sure it can't be any dumber than what you've done already."

Tony snorted. "If you recall, getting Steve laid was your idea. And it worked out so well, didn't it? But I have a better plan. We let Cap keep reading those terrible stories."

"How is that possibly going to help?"

She still had so little faith in him. Tony was hurt, deeply hurt. Well, annoyed really. Because this seemed to be the usual state of affairs. Just because he was a little immature, it didn't mean he couldn't have good ideas.

"We are going to get his brain good and saturated with sexy goodness so it'll stop being such a big deal. Cap's only acting like Mr. Giggles because his poor innocent mind is having its first taste of adult life. But if he sees even a fraction of the naked pictures I've seen, he'll start acting-"

"Just like you," she finished flatly. "Is that really what we want?"

Tony snorted. "All we want is for Cap to stop seeing everything as a secret sex symbol. Once he's gotten enough exposure to sexual things, it'll all become normal enough that he won't be giggling all the time." If it made Steve instead start fantasizing about all the ways he could jump Tony's bones, even better. But Tony would be happy enough if Steve could go back to shopping in the produce aisle without collapsing into giggles. Having to take his place as the Avengers' personal shopper was a pain in the ass.

"It sounds so stupid that it just might work."

Tony pretended she hadn't spoken. "Too bad we didn't let Loki tell his story. Seven sexy ladies rolling in the mud. Think of all the possibilities."

"I'd rather we didn't," Steve said. He looked a little pale.

"See, even Cap is overwhelmed by the prospect. Seven is a lot for two men to handle, even such fine Asgardian men." He beamed at Thor. "And it warms my heart to hear that you two had brotherly bonding time with sex."

"Tony, stop," Steve said. The table creaked ominously as his hands tightened around it.

"Sure, okay," Tony said. Nothing about real people. Steve had a very thick boundary line and Tony knew better than to cross it. Yet.

Steve sighed heavily and dropped his head into his hands. "So, I have more reading to do. If you think it'll help."

"Of course it will, sweetheart." Tony presented Steve with his tablet. "I've taken the liberty of loading some more explicit stories on this baby. It'll make everything else seem completely normal in comparison. A brilliant plan, isn't it?"

Steve wrinkled his nose as he took the tablet. But he scrolled through a few of the shorter stories as Bruce began setting the table.

Tony watched him intently. After all, how often was he going to get the chance to see Steve looking at porn? He was usually so secretive about it and it wasn't right to deny his wonderful boyfriend the opportunity to see his reactions. Tony was pretty sure Steve was going to be a blushing mess. He seemed like the full-body blushing type.

But Steve suddenly dropped the tablet and covered his eyes with his hands. "Sticky crotch meat," he said in a low whisper.

"Gross," Clint said. "How the fuck is that even a euphemism?"

"Men," Natasha said scornfully. "Something so stupid could only be written by a man."

"Hell no," Clint said. "I would be ashamed to call my dick a sticky crotch meat."

Steve whimpered. "Do you have to repeat that? Once was enough. Too much, actually."

"You men are always coming up with disgusting names for your genitals," Natasha continued on. "All the names I have heard over the years. Pork sword, pump action yogurt cannon-"

"Stop it!" Steve shouted. He looked positively nauseous.

Everyone else fell silent.

Tony leaned across the table and patted Steve's hand comfortingly. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to gross you out."

"It's okay," Steve said faintly. "But all this talk is making me lose my appetite."

Tony brightened. "That's right. Bruce, old buddy, what's for dinner?"

"Beef short ribs and sticky rice." Bruce shuddered, his face a little pale. "But take-out Chinese suddenly sounds a lot better."

Steve nodded and pushed his own plate into the center of the table.

Tony looked down at his own plate. Huh. "Take-out it is."

Steve smiled warmly at Tony and laced their fingers together. "I know you were trying to help, but no more silly plans, okay?"

"Okay," Tony said. He could do nothing more than stare at their intertwined fingers. How long had it been since someone held his hand?

"Thank you, Tony," Steve said. He brought Tony's hand up to his lips and kissed it.

"You know," Tony said shakily. "Why don't I find you some romance novels? That seems more your speed."

Steve shot him a look that was part fond, part exasperated and pressed another kiss to the back of Tony's hand.

Yep, it looked like Cap was cured.


End file.
